So my boyfriend broke up with me two weeks ago. I know, bummer right? But even if that happened, I couldn't be mad at him. It was my fault, all of it. I should have been strong enough last year to say no to him when he wanted us back together. It was too soon. I just love the person too much that I'd do anything for him. I didn't care if people thought that I wasn't growing as a person ('cause I know I was). I didn't care what we did, who we did it with as long as he was by my side. I thought he was my soulmate. You know that kind of deep connection that you don't push. It just happens. From the very beginning of our relationship, nothing ever felt like it wasn't natural. It felt perfect.
Even with the bad times, I still couldn't feel entirely sad or mad or whatever. I felt that it happened for a reason. Look at me now, two weeks after we broke up, I'm surprisingly okay. I'm not sugar coating anything telling you that I'm great or something. I'm just really okay. Contented.
I had 3 days of mourning, crying, paranoia and what not. But that was it. The occasional thinking sessions that would or would not lead to hysteria and panic attacks. But generally, I'm okay.
I had a lot of plans for my self 'cause I had a lot of free time now. I thought of ways to be better. But I couldn't do anything from plans unless I knew that somewhere out there he was happy. Because what actually fuels me now is the thought that he is happy. I talked to our friends and asked them to help him meet a nice girl that can replace me. That can make him forget about me. Because that was actually the plan. To forget each other.
The week after the break-up, we still talked. He wanted to be friends but I couldn't give him that. It was absurd to be friends with him when the very reason that broke us up is that I was beginning to be a burden to him (and despite the reason, I still love him can you believe that?). I couldn't ask that much from him. I want him to be free. Free of anything, free from me. So I had him choose between two options where we will both have a good result. First, I would give him all the space that he needs. I just needed one thing from him: his commitment, his loyalty, his love. Or, we forget about each other (this is actually healthier for the both of us). He couldn't choose and it was beginning to be annoying that he couldn't choose between the two options. So I chose the second option.
Following that week, I had a lot of ups and downs. I found out I was sick. Not just fever sick but a possibility of diabetes sick. It was maddening that time (well until now actually). Every morning when I wake up, I couldn't move my body. I would feel very weak all the time. Though I tried sleeping early, eating on time and other healthy matters. But it was really hard. I usually go to bed around 9pm, but my mind wanders off and next thing I know, it's 3 am and I have to get up at 5 am. Then when I have to get up in the morning, I have to exert more energy because my body could not for the love of anything that is holy, get up from that bed. My body keeps shaking and my heart keeps on palpitating and I feel so cold all the time. With my eating habits, I am very hopeless. I'm not really a breakfast person but I try to eat at least a sandwich every morning. During lunch time, I'd be very hungry because most of the time I really don't eat breakfast. But when the food is served in front of me, I begin to feel nauseous. I still try to eat though, but I end up vomiting the food. For dinner, I have nothing to say. I don't eat dinner. My energy when I come home is non-existent so I just go straight to bed and rest my body.
It feels so annoying. To feel something else overpowering my own body. Most of the time, I think about death and its repercussions in my life. Who would mourn? How would I die? Things like that. It's an easy way out I can tell you that. But it was never really an option. I just didn't want to die a weak person.
So we've come full circle. The beginning of an end or an end of a beginning. Whatever floats your boat.
Last night, I had the courage to finally go away. To just drop everything and walk out from his life. I owe him too much to not give him that. I talked to him before I went to bed. Said everything that I wanted to say and just deleted my facebook account. Soon enough, I'm gonna change my number also because the number that I'm using is from my company and when I leave that company sooner or later, I have to give up that number. Also, what with my law school, I may be moving also. Tabula Rasa. A clean slate.
But I couldn't shake the feeling of caring for him. Thinking about what's happening with him. If he's happy or not. I just want a way to know whether he's happy or not. If my little plan worked for the best.
This one no one would understand but my ex: Apollo. I think he might be coming. But I have no intention of telling you about Apollo. I'd keep him for myself only. I don't want to deprive you of anything. That's why I'll keep it to myself.
The chances my ex would be reading this a hundred million to one.
So for the one who made me feel like I'm the best person in the world, I love you.
No comments:
Post a Comment