Give her the best of you

Hola :)

So yeah, it really has been a while. I don't know where to start actually cause a lot has happened. Let me start by saying it has been a great year! But I'm excited and anxious on what 2012 will bring me.

Relationship status: Single and happy :)
So we broke up and ever since then, I've been contemplating if it really was what I wanted. When it happened, I didn't even cry. I was thinking maybe it hasn't sunk in that it really was over. A week passed by and nothing. To cut it short, nothing. I just had to accept that it was over.

I had a lot of time on my hands so I needed something to fuel me. To actually make me feel alive again. And since I wanted to try out skating, I bought myself a longboard. :)

It's a Landyachtz Drop Hammer with pink sick six wheels. Happiness!!! :)
I love skating so much that I bought another board two weeks ago. Hihihi

My second board is a Jet Doppler. I just transferred the trucks and wheels from my 1st board because I haven't got the money to buy a new set for this board.

I've never been this happy in such a long time :)

And of course, I can't thank my friends enough for helping me get through the rest of the year. I will never take my friends for granted. I love them to bits!

My brothers from another mother! Knoll Santiago and Yham Reyes. They've been there for me ever since and I can't wait to spend more time with them next year. Boracay babyyyyy! :)
I love these guys so much. We've been shopping at Bazaars and it has been a blast spending some quality time with them. Temple tuesdays with them are the best! :)

And also, I'll never be thankful enough for my clannish group :)

Missing: Jerome and Dianne :(
They were always there when I needed them. Through the good times and the bad. We're all so clingy it's so funny! It was a blast spending most of my time with them and I can't wait for more adventures with them next year. I can't wait for Laoag! :)

All in all, I really am happy. Beyond words. 2011 was such a great year for me. I've met a lot of great people and I can't wait to meet some more. This is my moment and I feel so alive.


Namaste.

Oh hello there

It has been a while.

Anyway, A LOT has happened for the past 8 months. Hot dang. I've never been this happy before. Seriously.

My hair is this long now (but not as pretty). Haha!

I wanna eat this!

Nuff said.

Confusion. Gosh I'm in over my head.

<3


I'm really not in the mood to blog now but I really need to update this. I feel like I'm floating and my head's spinning. I haven't been this confused for a long time now. I don't know what needs to happen for my mind to straighten out. But so far, I've been clearing things up for myself. I mean I need to stop for the sake of my sanity that's probably why I had to do it. I was literally going crazy. I was in shock when it happened but I didn't really cry or whatever. It just happened. I took a risk and it paid off. I've been happy ever since. :)

Beating hearts baby

I can not believe it. HOW???? How did this happen I don't understand.

I can't. I don't. I don't know what to do.

Fml. Ftw. This is karma for I don't know what.

You realize it's over

I know, I know. It's been a while. I have yet to update my blog. A lot has happened, and when I mean a lot, I mean A LOT.

So my boyfriend broke up with me two weeks ago. I know, bummer right? But even if that happened, I couldn't be mad at him. It was my fault, all of it. I should have been strong enough last year to say no to him when he wanted us back together. It was too soon. I just love the person too much that I'd do anything for him. I didn't care if people thought that I wasn't growing as a person ('cause I know I was). I didn't care what we did, who we did it with as long as he was by my side. I thought he was my soulmate. You know that kind of deep connection that you don't push. It just happens. From the very beginning of our relationship, nothing ever felt like it wasn't natural. It felt perfect.

Even with the bad times, I still couldn't feel entirely sad or mad or whatever. I felt that it happened for a reason. Look at me now, two weeks after we broke up, I'm surprisingly okay. I'm not sugar coating anything telling you that I'm great or something. I'm just really okay. Contented.

I had 3 days of mourning, crying, paranoia and what not. But that was it. The occasional thinking sessions that would or would not lead to hysteria and panic attacks. But generally, I'm okay.

I had a lot of plans for my self 'cause I had a lot of free time now. I thought of ways to be better. But I couldn't do anything from plans unless I knew that somewhere out there he was happy. Because what actually fuels me now is the thought that he is happy. I talked to our friends and asked them to help him meet a nice girl that can replace me. That can make him forget about me. Because that was actually the plan. To forget each other.

The week after the break-up, we still talked. He wanted to be friends but I couldn't give him that. It was absurd to be friends with him when the very reason that broke us up is that I was beginning to be a burden to him (and despite the reason, I still love him can you believe that?). I couldn't ask that much from him. I want him to be free. Free of anything, free from me. So I had him choose between two options where we will both have a good result. First, I would give him all the space that he needs. I just needed one thing from him: his commitment, his loyalty, his love. Or, we forget about each other (this is actually healthier for the both of us). He couldn't choose and it was beginning to be annoying that he couldn't choose between the two options. So I chose the second option.

Following that week, I had a lot of ups and downs. I found out I was sick. Not just fever sick but a possibility of diabetes sick. It was maddening that time (well until now actually). Every morning when I wake up, I couldn't move my body. I would feel very weak all the time. Though I tried sleeping early, eating on time and other healthy matters. But it was really hard. I usually go to bed around 9pm, but my mind wanders off and next thing I know, it's 3 am and I have to get up at 5 am. Then when I have to get up in the morning, I have to  exert more energy because my body could not for the love of anything that is holy, get up from that bed. My body keeps shaking and my heart keeps on palpitating and I feel so cold all the time. With my eating habits, I am very hopeless. I'm not really a breakfast person but I try to eat at least a sandwich every morning. During lunch time, I'd be very hungry because most of the time I really don't eat breakfast. But when the food is served in front of me, I begin to feel nauseous. I still try to eat though, but I end up vomiting the food. For dinner, I have nothing to say. I don't eat dinner. My energy when I come home is non-existent so I just go straight to bed and rest my body.

It feels so annoying. To feel something else overpowering my own body. Most of the time, I think about death and its repercussions in my life. Who would mourn? How would I die? Things like that. It's an easy way out I can tell you that. But it was never really an option. I just didn't want to die a weak person.

So we've come full circle. The beginning of an end or an end of a beginning. Whatever floats your boat.

Last night, I had the courage to finally go away. To just drop everything and walk out from his life. I owe him too much to not give him that. I talked to him before I went to bed. Said everything that I wanted to say and just deleted my facebook account. Soon enough, I'm gonna change my number also because the number that I'm using is from my company and when I leave that company sooner or later, I have to give up that number. Also, what with my law school, I may be moving also. Tabula Rasa. A clean slate.

But I couldn't shake the feeling of caring for him. Thinking about what's happening with him. If he's happy or not. I just want a way to know whether he's happy or not. If my little plan worked for the best.

This one no one would understand but my ex: Apollo. I think he might be coming. But I have no intention of telling you about Apollo. I'd keep him for myself only. I don't want to deprive you of anything. That's why I'll keep it to myself.

The chances my ex would be reading this a hundred million to one.

So for the one who made me feel like I'm the best person in the world, I love you.

On giving up.

When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves.


-Viktor Frankl-


So since my lovely boyfriend got me started again with this negative vibe, let's talk about giving up and other random shit (of course). So here goes...Giving up? Marilyn Von Savant quoted "Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent". In my case, giving up meant not caring anymore. 'Cause I'm just damn too tired to deal with it. I have other problems also and sometimes, I just can't handle everything all at once. I mean come on, it's not like I'm Wonderwoman. The problem's pretty simple of course, so that means that the solution is also simple enough that IF YOU REALLY DO CARE ENOUGH, this wouldn't take any effort at all in doing. So I hate it when my boyfriend doesn't reply in texts. I find it really rude 'cause I'm talking to the dude then suddenly he doesn't reply. When you equate that in a real conversation, it's like talking about a serious matter face to face then suddenly he turns away from you and leaves you behind with your gaping mouth. Rude don't it sound? It's my ultimate pet peeve. I MEAN COME ON! All your other girls that I've witnessed during our break up seasons were your textmates 24/7 (Don't deny it, I was there with you all the time when you were texting with that ugly ass bitch. You even asked me what you should reply - YES, I TOOK THAT ALL IN...Just less than 3 months that we were broken up and  I endured that.) Gee whiz. I'm starting to realize a lot of shit...But I'm just too damn tired to talk about it here. Anyway, let's shift to another topic 'cause this shit is making me really, really sad.

OLYMPUS E500

So I was bored the whole day at work so I started googling for new dslrs. But I realized that I want something like a Leica (but that shit's expensive!), so I opted to google Lumix (Yeah, the next best thing - And cheaper one). I stumbled across the PANASONIC LUMIX DMC GF1. And I fell in love. It's 30, 800 php when it was first released. So I was thinking that maybe the price went down since they're going to release a new version, the Panasonic Lumix DMC GF2. I'm good though with the GF1. Or I don't know, maybe I'll wait for the GF2. But I'm waaay excited to buy and upgrade my friggin' bulky dlsr. I have been using since 4th year High School an Olympus E500 DSLR. 

PANASONIC LUMIX DMC GF1

Sexy beast isn't she? It's a point and shoot camera that has the quality of a dslr camera but the size of a digital camera. Perfect camera for me, seriously. I really do hope it's not 30, 000 php until now. I want to buy as soon as possible. So since I'm selling my old camera, here goes.


FOR SALE:
OLYMPUS E500 DSLR CAMERA
Includes: Memory Card, Battery, Battery Charger, 2 lenses (1 Macro and 1 Micro lens), and 2 lens hood. Please do email me if you're interested so I can give you the price. My email is cheska.carreon@gmail.com.


I need to replace my old camera because I have been recently whining constantly how I couldn't bring my camera when I'm in a party. I want a camera that can capture everything perfectly, can take good ass quality pictures for photo shoots and when I travel in Europe. So I guess this camera is it!


Now that lifted my mood.


"Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it."


It's just another one of those days where I feel the lowest of the lows. I call it the quarter life crisis (Go figure!). I want to feel young again. I want to hang with people that makes me feel young. I try to party and all but honestly, I'm too tired. I come because I want to hang with my friends. But apparently, they like partying now. So instead of being stuck at home resting and wasting my weekend away, I'll just party with them and endure it. I just want to chill lately. Like drink in someone's house, play poker, those kinds of shit. Oh my gosh what am I talking about?!?! I AM 21 YEARS OLD. The peak of my youth! I should be enjoying myself. I just need to drink those damn vitamins so I'd have enough energy to stay up and party. Okay I'm ranting, time to stop.


WHAT IS TO GIVE LIGHT MUST ENDURE BURNING.
-VIKTOR FRANKL


Namaste.

If looks could kill.

The best thing to hold onto in life is each other.
Audrey Hepburn

Gosh you have no idea how much I love Audrey Hepburn. I would marry her in a heartbeat. Breakfast at Tiffany's is one hell of a movie. I can watch it forever.

LC from Laguna Beach and the Hills. I don't know why but she's really pretty for me. I don't get why people say that Kirsten Cavallari is better looking than her. I even find Lo Bosworth prettier than her. I guess it's a matter of taste. Anyway, I like what LC does to her hair. I'm kind of bored with my hair actually. Limited things that I can do with it. I try braiding it on the side once in a while but it's kind of straight now 'cause of it. Don't care. I want it straight but wavy. But...No. Expensive thing that digiperm. Lol.

Damn it, that hair. So friggin' nice!


Brittany Murphy...what a waste. She's really, really, really pretty for me. Got that swagger and elegance. Nice combination for a girl. Started out in Clueless and ended with Abandon. Hope the movie is good though. She is so adorable.

Destiny is for losers. It's just a stupid excuse to wait for things to happen instead of making them happen.
Blair Waldorf


Hot Damn, Leighton Meester. She plays Blair Waldorf too well. I even like her better as Blair than herself. LOL.

She's the kind of girl that you don't want to mess with. Tough and elegant...I like! Lol. She carries herself too well. I mean with the lifestyle that she has, I'm very impressed (Yeah I know Gossip Girl isn't real but, but, but...I like it. Got a problem with that?) Anyway, I like elegant ladies. That's 'cause I wish I was one. I try, but I'm more of a butch kind of girl. That's why I think when people I met in the past meet me today and get to know me, they'd actually be shocked once they found out how I am today.


I mean, sometimes its better when things aren't perfect. At least that way, you know its real.
Liz Lee

The caption for that picture was: Bryson surprises Liz by showing up at the last possible second with Troy, saying he couldn't let her go without telling her how he feels.


Now that's a great way to end the season 1. She's cool. Going up on stage and singing in front of her high school just so she could take one for the nerds. Star Wars geek and all but at least she isn't fake.


KATY PERRY...

KATY PERRY...

FUCKEN' KATY PERRY...

DAMN SHE'S HOT. I mean this girl, I could really go lesbo for her. That's all I can say about her. NUFF SAID!

Zooey Deschanel, the doppleganger of Katy Perry. They're both gorgeous in their own way. I can't pick one 'cause they're both beautiful and cool. I mean come on, 500 days of summer. That movie is sooo nice! She's the girl you call when you want crazy adventures. And her band, She and Him...dang. Her voice is nice. I heard her sing in Conan and man she got a crazy ass voice. Oh I also like how she's Vegan and all. One day...Lol.




I know it's pretty random but I've been thinking about these girls all day in the office. Analyzing how great of a person they are in their own way. I will one day be on that list!


Namaste.

New year, New Tattoo!

So I've been itching to get a new tattoo for the past two months, I just can't find a decent one to put on my body permanently (Doi). At first, I wanted this dreamcatcher sketch on my right forearm.

Pretty isn't it not? (Double negatives, I know!) But a lot of people (including my lovely boyfriend) are against me having a tattoo on my forearm. I mean come on! I'm gonna be a lawyer, someday after law school HAHAHA. Lawyers don't really need to abstain from these kinds of art 'cause they usually have their own office, or they dress up in longsleeves and what not so you don't really see them tats. So what the fuck are you telling me that I shouldn't get one 'cause I'm gonna be a lawyer and we have to look decent and whatever? I'll show you.

Anyway, this is my second choice. (I love dreamcatchers okay? They chase my nightmares away).

Soooo pretty :( I have the money and time. But I'm still hesitating on the designs. I don't know. Maybe I just haven't found the right design for my forearm. I'll look for more. If you happen to be an artist and can sketch me a nice dreamcatcher, I'd gladly look them over and maybe I might get it as a design for my future tattoo!

Love and peace everyone.

Namaste.

DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL

I AM FRIGGIN' 21 YEARS OLD DADDY!!!

So okay, I have been in a state of somewhat depression because of my age since I've started working. My parents allowed me to go out whenever I want within a reasonable time during weekdays and on weekends, well you know the rest. Anyway, last night my friends and I planned to go out and party. So I hung out whole day at the house just so my dad would let me go out at night. I asked him around 9pm if I could go out and he flat out said NO. Can you believe that? I am an employed 21 year old girl whose Dad won't let her go out on a SATURDAY NIGHT!!!! What the fuck. I couldn't believe it that's why I started hyperventilating in my room. Yeah I know, it's too shallow to turn it into a big deal but I just can't get over it. Well in the end, he let me 'cause my face was annoying him. LOL. I did the pout thing so I guess it still works. LOL LOL LOL. Anywho, I can't deny the fact that I'm such a brat when it comes to those things. It's just that, I've been a good girl and all so what I think about in those kinds of situation is that I deserve to go out and have some fun. I mean come on Dad, I'm 21 years old. A college graduate from a great school, not pregnant and is employed. My only vice is going out and partying. Why deny me of my pleasures?

But...(yes, there is a but) at the end of the day, my Dad can never bear the thought of giving me what I want. That's why most of the time I win. Lol. My Dad loves me too much to not say yes to me. I don't think that's bad. Though other people call that a brat or a daddy's girl. At least I know my Dad loves me.


Namaste.

I'll be your fantasy

I love you oh so much Fred, you have no idea.

Nietzsche, my hero. But I'm not in the mood to talk about him, maybe next time. Lol.


Currently listening to: Sugar Skulls - Envy on the Coast


Isabella stand a little bit taller.
I don't deserve your tears
Anymore than you deserve the fears
That I have left you with, dear.
Oh, May I bless your every last tear?

"She's just a little girl, she knows nothing of this little game we
Like to play"

So tell the martyrs to wait at the gate.
This is an actual case of the truth.
At least, that's what they call it these days.

So tell your brothers and sisters to wait,
'Cause love is nothing to waste,
And I swore,
Never your heart, shall I break.

So there's this thing called boredom and when it strikes, you just can't help but think and think and think until you scare yourself with all the if's, what could have been's and but's. I have to say that New Year is a bust. It's another year, so what? New shit? Then what? I have to say that it's pretty overrated (No offense to all the believers and patrons of New Year's). I gotta say that change can come any time. You don't have to start during New Year's. Gaahh. Whatever. Bah Humbug to New Year.


Anyway, my New Year was alright. Spent it at home and out partying and drinking after with my boyfriend (oh yes someone loves me! Shocker right?) and friends. Feels pretty liberating to go out during those family occasions. Though it's making me feel old, I have to say that it's better than being stuck at home, drinking with my family and just surfing the net or what not.


Hmm. My job. Is hella crazy. Lol. I work for a private company that supplies the water in the east zone area of Metro Manila (Go figure). I work for a director there and I have to say that I am very lucky to have him as my boss. I do administrative work so it gets pretty tiring at the end of the day. But on good days, I just sit with a panel while listening to a business area review writing down minutes and the like. Free food. Free time. Boredom. Meh. I'm confused if I like my work or not. Though it pays good for minimal work I must say. Bought a lot of shit! Like before starting working, I came across a site that sells polaroids and thought that I'd buy one for my first paycheck, and ALAS! It came true! Lucky bastard am I not? Lol. Bought also a heck of a lot of clothes for office and yes, MY NEW HOLGA GLASS TWIN LENS REFLEX <3.

My three lovely cameras! Olympus DSLR, Fuji Polaroid and Holga GTLR Lomo Camera (IT'S PINK!!!)

I can't friggin' wait to develop all my films! So far, I've used 2 films, one black and white and one colored. It is so fun to take up lomography as a hobby. It's not like any other photography experience. You get to be challenged as a photographer because first of all, it is not digital. So there's no viewfinder to see how'd you do with the shot. And! There's no delete option so it's either you hit it or bust. It's a pretty pricey hobby but I think it's worth it. My polaroid camera are for memories. I love it oh so much you have no idea! (Btdub, I sound like a kid in a candy store when I talk about cameras LOL. Don't even get me started with friggin' Yoga! Hahaha!)


Anyway, so much for cameras. Share your hobbies with me, I might try them out just 'cause I'm bored :)


Namaste.